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Bad Chili/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots, glass shatters ] harold: Okay, all right, this is it. We're starting now. They laughed when we sat down to play, but we made comedy. And, boy, they're not laughing now. And here's the main reason for that, the star of our show and the best uncle a person ever had -- I don't even care who they are, he's the best -- the star of "the red green show," mr. Red green! Okay. It's okay, uncle red. Come on in. Uh, thank you, harold. Especially thank you to all the viewers for tuning us in when there's so much mindless crap on television. Speaking of mindless crap, come on over here a minute, harold. Harold is not just the announcer on the show. He's also our producer and director. He went to school for that. What was the name of that college you went to, harold? I-I don't know. I just sort of came in the mail. But was it ever excellent! I just wanted you to know the show was in real good hands here. And, well, harold, maybe you should explain to the viewers about this little gizmo here. They might think it's something medical. [ laughs ] no, no. This is a video-effects machine. It's like the edgar winter model. Wa-a-a. It creates visual effects. [ keyboard clacking ] well, harold tells me that that's the kind of thing that the, uh, modern viewer goes for. And, uh, harold here knows television, uh, don't you, harold? Yeah. Okay. How would you say the show's going so far? Dragging a bit, in my opinion. Well, these young people today, they're not afraid to speak their minds. I like that -- not all the time, mind you, like not now. But, no, I was gonna tell you that last night up at the lodge, we were making chili, and we found a running shoe right in the chili, which actually makes sense when you think about it. We figured it was probably stinky peterson's shoe because he likes to get into the chili pot and stomp on the kidney beans. Otherwise, they give him gas. So we don't say "no." but it wasn't stinky's, so -- uncle red, oh, sorry, we don't have time for your story. Yeah, sorry. Just go to the next clip. Just, you know, go to the next clip. Well, I think the people want to find out what happened to the running shoe. We'll tell them later 'cause right now it's boring. I can hear people changing their tv channels. Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! Click! You better go to the next segment. Click! Click! Click! Uh, I guess we'll get back to the story later and right now go to a film clip of some kind. [ keyboard clacking ] what in the sam hill was that? Special effects. Neat, eh? [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ there once was a fella that lived around here ♪ ♪ he made his own clothes and brewed his own beer ♪ ♪ but the one thing about him that filled us with dread ♪ ♪ was the number of chemicals he kept in his shed ♪ ♪ pesticide bob ♪ ♪ pesticide bob ♪ ♪ he used whatever was right for the job ♪ ♪ weed killer, rat killer, rose dust, and mace ♪ ♪ he never wore gloves or a mask on his face ♪ ♪ his manner was distant ♪ ♪ his outlook was drab ♪ ♪ when he died, he smelled like a chemistry lab ♪ ♪ we buried him deep and made sure they paid us ♪ ♪ 'cause his corpse killed all vegetation ♪ ♪ within a 30-mile radius ♪ pesticide bob. Uh, this week on "handyman corner," I'm gonna take you outside and show you how to upgrade your vehicle. Uh, you know, they just don't make vans like this anymore. And if any of you viewers have one, well, you know why. Now, I know that, you know, you fix her up by doing some bodywork or maybe finally getting around to do that ring-and-valve job. But I think it's a lot more fun and something you can talk about at parties, too -- install your own air conditioner. [ clears throat ] now, uh... I got the idea to put in air conditioning when I found this, uh, air conditioner, uh, which was sitting on the sidewalk in front of a house. And whether it was out there to go in the garbage or maybe the people were moving and just hadn't put it in the truck yet, uh, I don't really know. But... [ grunting ] uh, the deal is there that with an air conditioner now -- she runs 120 volts, and the van runs 12 volts. So, uh, what you need is a step-up transformer, which any idiot can make, and I'll prove it. Uh... To make the transformer, you need one of these wheel rims. We have a lot of these up at the lodge because the mice just eat the rubber right off the tires. And, you know, the droppings, they'll bounce from here to hollywood, you know? Uh, so, what you need to do is you got to go 12 volts, 120 volts. So that's the ratio on the transformer. So you divide 12 by 20, and that's, uh... Uh... 120 divided by 12... Uh, carry the 4... [ sniffles ] 10! 10! Okay, so, now you got to wrap your wire around on that ratio of 10. So you'd put 30 -- uh, 30 coils on one side and then 10 times... 30 times...Uh... Damn it. 418. All right, uh, that only took a few hours. Now we, uh, can hook her up to our power supply. We got the transformer. I'll just go around the front here and, uh... Hoist this up, and -- oh, there we go. Run these battery cables. Uh, hook them onto the battery. Now, just run the cable -- we'll keep them apart. Run the cables around here. You know, this is just temporary, unless it works. If you wanted to make a real fancy installation, I suppose you could, you know, go in through the windows and through the walls and so on. But that would involve a lot of hammering. Okay, so, now what we do is we hook her up to the transformer. This is going on the small side here. Oh, for gosh sake. [ laughs ] okay, hook that up there. And we'll... Oh, perfect, perfect. Okay. Now we need to hook the other side up to the air conditioner. Where's the other wire here now? Here we go. Yeah, this is to step up the transformer aspect of it. Now, a lot of you safety nuts would probably want to tape these. There we go. Okay. Now we should be up to 120 volts. Just a matter now of just hoisting the air conditioner up into the -- just hoisting her up! Just hoist her up! There we go! [ grunting ] all right. At least we're -- these are a heavy unit, aren't they? By golly. Ohh. Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! All right, that's just got to get up into the window there now. [ sniffles ] [ sighs ] just wait for all my body parts to go back into their normal shape. And... Up onto this. Up on this. [ panting ] up onto this. [ grunting ] uhh! I should have parked on a hill. Uhh! [ grunting ] all right. There. Now, this is not something you're gonna be taking in and out, you know, on a regular basis. [ panting ] all right, now, I just -- ohh! I didn't think I'd have to wear the equipment today, but -- get the air conditioner into the window. Ohh! Ohhh! All right. All right. A little farther. It takes a little touch here, a little -- now, just find the point just where it balances. Oh. [ sniffles ] all right, well, ignore that part. But, other than that, a h-heck of an idea. Okay, so, you get the idea. Until next time, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. You know, I got enough there to make a heat pump for the van. We'll be right back with the rest of the story about the mysterious running shoe right after these messages. And lots of other things, too, just in case you weren't interested in that running-shoe thing. Just say. "it is autumn. "you see a pile of leaves "right in the middle of your front lawn. "they weren't there yesterday. "they won't be there tomorrow. "and so you run and jump headfirst into the pile. "and then you remember what was here yesterday "and will be here tomorrow -- a fire hydrant." so, as I was saying, that wasn't stinky's running shoe in the chili at all because, uh, stinky wears rubber boots to squash the kidney beans, and that way it cleans the bait off of them. Then we thought, well, maybe it'd be moose thompson's. But, no, 'cause the shoe had laces, and moose does not have the kind of figure where he can reach his feet without help. And, besides, moose has really not bent over since his days in the army, which we hope is just a coincidence. Just tell them whose shoe it is, uncle red, 'cause we're losing them. Hurry up! Go! That's, you know, my opinion. Well, it was old man sedgwick's shoe. Okay, good. Roll the next insert! But old man sedgwick hadn't put it in the chili. So this is where the mystery comes in. I mean, it couldn't have just crawled in there, or could it? Ready to roll the pre-taped insert? Okay, great. Go. Go. [ laughs ] I love the sense of power. I really do. See, the thing was that old man sedgwick hadn't really seen the running shoe since about two years earlier when he was at the united church badminton tournament, and he got into the punch in a big way, fell on his racquet, and come home with a crushed bird. Uncle red, I'm not on you anymore. We're into the next segment -- well into it. We're out here, uh, on location on what they call a location shoot. And I got my good friend dougie franklin here. And, you know, dougie, they always say you can judge a man by the shine on his truck. I appreciate that, red. Thank you kindly. You know, dougie here has got quite a vehicle, got a lot of special equipment on it. And, doug, I know a lot of our viewers would like to hear about the special equipment. So, maybe, doug, you could tell us about some of the special equipment. I can do that for you, red. Well, we'll start right back at the top there. About the only original thing on this from the guy who built her was the windshield. And then he discovered women, and that's -- it happens. It does. That's how I got the truck. Yeah. Anyway, with the stock windshield -- she's gone now -- we've got beautiful, heavy-duty suspension all around, with a quad. We got -- [ coughs ] she's got your load levelers, load lifters, load limiters. This baby, she's fully loaded with a quad. Now, let's just have a quick boo here at the power plant. Yeah. Get to the power plant. Now, this is what they call your blueprint big block. Oh, yeah. She's a big block blueprint block... With a quad. Oh, yeah. We got two fuel injectors in her. But, actually, I ripped them out, and I put in the predator performance carburetors. Oh. And I want to tell you, I've tuned those suckers up. They come with a quad, as well. And she's had -- she's an aluminum block. She's got your hemi bored out to about 600 cube. Now, I'll tell you, red. You put your pedal to the metal on this baby, your face will whip back on you there so tight, you'll look like one of them women coming out of one of them hollywood face-lift clinics. I'll tell you. She's got torque, this baby. What about, uh, the engine? Did you mention that? Well, yeah, that was the block business with the carburetors. I think I did, anyway. Oh, no. Well, you said the power plant. Is that the engine? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, legally speaking, your power plant has to be your engine. Oh. Legally, legally. But, oh, I'll tell you, she is street legal as she sits. Yeah, she'll -- except for, like, on a one-lane bridge or a private school, something like that. You wouldn't want to take her in there. But, oh, she'll move. She'll do about a ton in first gear. Maybe you should explain that, doug. A lot of our viewers maybe don't know what a ton is. For you folks at home that don't know what a ton or never done a ton -- if there is such a person out there -- a ton, of course, is a 100 mile an hour. Now, she'll do 100 mile an hour in first gear. Oh, my god. You bump up to ethylene or like an aircraft fuel, this baby will move. She'll probably do a ton and a half in first gear. Actually, with the predator carburetor, she'll -- you can actually run this baby on testosterone. But, you know, you can't get the stations to stock it. They just won't stock it. Not even the unleaded. Oh, for god's sake. You got a lot of money tied up here, uh, dougie. Yeah, I do. What would something like this run? Well, you know, it's funny. You look at it -- money, dollar signs pop to your eyes. This baby's worth probably somewhere in the neighborhood of about $765.26 a month. You know, that's the monthly payments, dougie. I was interested in the actual full price of the vehicle. Uh... Well, you'd have to speak to the bank about that one. What I done was I told them it was a motor home, and I took out a 25-year mortgage on her. And, you know, by the year 2010, though, quite a reasonable buyout on this baby. Wow, golly, she's almost big enough to be a motor home. Yeah, she is. If she had a toilet, you know -- oh, she's got a toilet -- back there in the quads, yeah. The guy who built her put one in there. For gosh sake. Yeah. Well, I'll stay up at this end. Yeah. Okay. And, doug, hey, thank you. Thank you for your time. Red, god love you. All right. Okay, harold. Hit your buttons. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ my beard is a treasure I wear on my face ♪ ♪ if I need to hide things ♪ ♪ it's a pretty good place ♪ ♪ if you think having a beard is a disgrace ♪ ♪ then what about lincoln ♪ ♪ or santa or steven spielberg? ♪ ♪ not to mention the fact ♪ ♪ that I don't have to get up early to shave ♪ ♪ which means that in my lifetime ♪ ♪ I've had about 4,000 hours more sleep ♪ ♪ than most men my age ♪ ♪ mmm ♪ oh, uncle red. This is great. Answering the letters this week is gonna be so easy and so much fun. These are the most exciting and best letters we've ever had. This is fantastic. This is really, really good letters. If I'm any judge of letters, which I am, this is a good letter. Just read the good letter, would you, harold? It's a great letter I'm gonna read. Okay. "dear red, congratulations on your great show. "the production and direction is wonderful -- very bergmanesque." bergmanesque? We don't have strippers. No, no, no, uncle red. Bergmanesque. That's like ingmar bergman. He was in "casablanca." our viewers don't know that. Let me see that letter for a sec. No. It's all right. It's okay. That's your handwriting, harold. Why would we be answering letters written by you, harold? Have we sunk to that? Well, we... We didn't get any mail this week, uncle red. Unless you got a letter. Did you get a letter or a phone call or anything? Not that I recall, no. Oh. Did you get faxed lately? Well, I don't think we have to talk about that on television, harold. Boy, they didn't use language like that in my day. What's the world coming to? This whole "answering the mail" thing has gone down the toilet. Foul language and fake letters. Well, I think answering fake letters is better than answering no letters at all. There's no sense having an "answering the mail" segment of a show if there's no mail to answer. Wa-a-a. Why not? We tell hunting and fishing stories, and we never shoot or catch anything. Shh! [ film projector clicking ] red: This week on "adventures with bill," he wanted to go orienteering, which is, you know, kind of walking around with a map. And I wasn't real interested in it, you know? My first reaction was "no." first of all, he had the map upside down, which took away a certain amount of my confidence. And, uh, anyway, I just don't really enjoy that type of thing. But...I went along with it, you know? Whoa! I decided not to do that. But, you know, bill seemed to know what he was doing. He's got that confidence... Aah! ...And an air about him where he seems to be in control of everything. Aah! It kind of makes you want a gun. Now, what he wanted to do was he wanted to mark the tree with a hatchet here so he'd know where he was. But the map blew up, and then, well... I guess it's okay. And he's gonna try and take the hatchet out of the tree. But... Well, then he decided that's a pretty good marker itself, the head of the ax there. So then we just started heading out. And bill had the canteen. He had all the equipment and everything. He offered me a little drink of that. It wasn't bad, either. The map was getting a little worse for wear. But he had that feeling, and he had the binoculars there. And he handed them -- no, bill. Bill, bill. Give me the binoc-- yeah. And then he got back to the map. And I must admit, I was starting to lose my confidence. Then when he asked us to get our compasses out and compare them, they were completely different. Now I'm starting to really wonder what I'm in for here. And so, what we decided to do is just take half the map each. And I'd already decided, uh, what I was gonna do with the map and the whole idea really. I figured I could just find my way with the compass and the canteen and the binoculars and so on. But bill was going, I guess, the right way. And, you know, the funny thing is, I didn't want to do this. But, you know, once I got into it... Yow! I guess bill was enjoying himself, too, you know? And the compass was working fine. And I was making good time. [ grunting ] I found the walking quite pleasant actually. Nice day, sunny, and no real underbrush or anything to worry about. I was wondering what bill was doing about this time. Hyah! I wasn't real concerned. I just was -- I was just curious, that's all. And I could just take my time. And, you know, actually, I was enjoying nature a little bit. I found out later that bill was having some problems. But, you know, he's a very resilient, you know, inventive, resourceful kind of guy. So it won't bother bill. And, boy, it was a nice day there. The binoculars -- I could just see where I wanted to go. Bill was okay. Yow! I believe he had a telescope with him. So I didn't leave him completely high and dry. Yeah, there it is there. Looks a bit like a thermos anyway. But -- ohh! Oh, boy, oh, boy. Oh, boy. Okay, well, lucky it wasn't his good eye. I stopped and had a drink, and, you know, I was really kind of glad that I had gone along with it. I was hoping bill had something to drink. Yeah, yeah. Oh! Oh, well, bill's not having a good day, I guess. But, golly, I was. I really was. And that's really all that mattered at that point. [ panting ] bill was starting to circle a little bit, which, apparently, is indicative of someone pretending to be lost. You know, he's funny that way. You know, if I'd have seen him there, of course I would have straightened him out. But, you know, a place like that, sometimes -- now, we're starting to make progress here 'cause bill eventually comes back to that. And lucky thing that he'd left that marking there. He didn't seem real pleased, but, to me, it meant he was at least getting back where he started, which is where I was and just waiting for bill 'cause I wanted to thank him. I had a heck of a good day. It's just unfortunate, but maybe his compass wasn't up to the quality of mine. Maybe he didn't pay the full value for it or what have you, bought it used maybe. But he's just gonna -- no, chuck it away. Chuck it away. Throw it away. Toss it. Gone. Okay. And something was hurting bill. There was something he'd sat on. So I was helping -- well, for goodness sake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the problem. So, you might as well just -- I say just have a little rest, bill. You deserve it. Big day. We'll be right back, and I'm not even gonna mention the running shoe in the chili. [ laughs ] excellent choice. So, anyway, after dinner, a woman come over to the lodge and told us she's the one who'd accidentally dropped the running shoe into the chili. Apparently, she'd been carrying the shoe around for a couple of years and trying it on every man she met, hoping to find a guy who'd had his hands all over her at the badminton tournament and then they'd be able to live happily ever after. Well, uh, we knew it was old man sedgwick's shoe, so, yeah, we were surprised as heck when he tried it on and it didn't fit. He told us later that was because there was a piece of celery stuck in the toe of his sock. Uh, see, old man sedgwick doesn't want to get married. He wants to just play the field until they plow him under, which is fine with us. I mean, he looks like a scarecrow anyway. Anyway, if my wife is watching, I'm gonna come straight home after the show, so I'd like you to leave the light on over the garbage bags. I don't want to do that again. So, anyway, thanks very much for watching, and on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at the lodge, keep your stick on the ice.